Do you feel ashamed about your narcissistic relationship? If so, I promise you, you're not alone. Many of the people I've worked with said they felt too ashamed to tell anyone, especially when they were married or were in a long-term relationship, and everyone thought their partner was lovely. It's beyond frustrating!

What also happens with narcissists is that they:

• Isolate you from family and friends
• Project all their dysfunction onto you, making everything YOUR fault
• Completely undermine your sense of self-worth by constantly devaluing you
• Create trauma bonds that keep you emotionally tethered to the relationship
• Manipulate reality through gaslighting until you question your own perceptions

They ultimately leave you in emotional shreds, discarding you like a piece of trash. And when you've been discarded, that adds more layers of shame, doubt and self-criticism on top of everything else.

When this happens, you might feel:

• That all your confidence and self-worth has gone
• That you have lost who you were
• A deep longing to be happy and whole again
• Physically exhausted from the constant emotional rollercoaster
• Confused about what was real and what was manipulation
• Hypervigilant and unable to trust your own judgment

All of these feelings are common in people who have suffered narcissistic abuse. And that's just the tip of the narcissistic abuse iceberg. You might be wondering if you can ever get over it (trust me, you can. I have a 12-Week Healing Trauma and Codependency Course that you might want to check out.) But, I want you to know something very important: you don't have to live with this useless shame! And what's even more important for you to know is that you have NOTHING to be ashamed about. You did nothing wrong, you're the one who was wronged.

Toxic Shame

Toxic shame is a deep, overwhelming feeling of unworthiness that often arises from being in a narcissistic abusive relationship. It’s not just about feeling bad for something you've done, but about believing there’s something fundamentally wrong with who you are.

After enduring constant emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and criticism from a narcissistic partner, your sense of self can be severely damaged. You might start to feel like you’re unlovable or that you somehow deserve the abuse, which can leave you trapped in a cycle of self-blame.

Healing from this type of shame requires rebuilding your self-worth, recognizing the truth about the abuse, and learning to separate your identity from the toxic narratives the narcissist has imposed on you.

I'm going to give you 7 comprehensive strategies to help you release the shame and reclaim your authentic self. The key is to begin by acknowledging where you are right now - with compassion for your wounds - while taking gentle steps toward rebuilding your sense of self. Your healing journey begins with small acts of self-validation that gradually strengthen your inner voice.

Declare to yourself "This is not my fault! I am not to blame!" Because you have nothing to be ashamed about. You were targeted by a narcissist… someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and that is a mental illness. Narcissists are not normal people. They don't think like the rest of us, and their ultimate goal in life is to obtain narcissistic supply.

That means attention, adoration, and being the centre of the universe. Initially it's all rosy and you're happy to give them the attention they crave, but it's never enough, and they always start devaluing you. Then, when they see you hurting, crying, arguing, trying to reason with them, they don't care one iota for your feelings, because all that is still attention to them. As long as they are the centre of your world, good or bad, they'll take it.

So, let those facts stand firmly in your mind. You were (or are) dealing with a mental case… (ie, a narcissist – a person who has a DSM-5 recognised mental disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder) but one who was/is incredibly cunning and a master manipulator. Ground yourself in reality, and know that you were ruthlessly targeted by a vicious, unconscionable human being who knew exactly how to find your vulnerabilities and exploit you for his or her own gain.

Feeling shame and embarrassment is just heaping more unfair abuse on yourself and you've had more than your fair share of that. So decide right now that you've had enough of this BS and you are not going to punish yourself any more. You couldn't have seen it coming, so pack up your embarrassment and shame and send it packing.

One of the most devastating effects of narcissistic abuse is the systematic dismantling of your personal boundaries. Many survivors come from backgrounds where healthy boundaries were never modeled or were actively discouraged—particularly if you grew up with narcissistic or emotionally immature parents. The narcissist in your adult life recognized and exploited this vulnerability, further conditioning you to believe that your needs, feelings, and perspectives were secondary to theirs—or completely irrelevant.

Reclaiming your power begins not with the external act of setting boundaries, but with the internal work of recognizing your inherent right to have them in the first place. This journey involves healing the deep-seated belief that your needs don't matter or that prioritizing yourself is selfish. For many survivors, there's profound grief in acknowledging that this fundamental right to personal sovereignty was violated, often beginning in childhood and continuing into adulthood.

Before you can effectively set boundaries with others, you must first rebuild your relationship with yourself. This involves:

• Addressing core shame that tells you your needs aren't valid
• Recognizing and honoring your physical and emotional responses as wisdom, not weakness
• Understanding that your discomfort in relationships is often a signal that a boundary is being crossed
• Healing the trauma responses (freeze, fawn, people-pleasing) that developed as survival mechanisms

Once you've begun this inner work, you can start identifying specific areas where your boundaries were violated, because that will give you a starting point in understanding where you can start with the process of healing.

Was it multiple violations of your time? Your physical space? Your right to express opinions? Your finances? Your relationships with others? Sexual, intellectual and emotional boundaries can also be violated. Make a list of the boundaries you need to establish to feel safe and respected in FUTURE, but recogise that this process may bring up intense emotions like fear that deserve gentle acknowledgment. Being able to set boundaries and feel safe within yourself requires a lot of self-relfection, questioning, and ideally therapy to help you change how you feel and perceive your rights to boundaries.

When you're ready, practice setting these boundaries in small ways first. It might feel not just uncomfortable but terrifying initially—this is your nervous system responding to years of conditioning that taught you boundary-setting leads to rejection, abandonment, or even danger. This fear response is normal and deserves compassion. Start with low-stakes situations where you can practice phrases like:

• "That doesn't work for me."
• "I need some time to think about that."
• "I'm not comfortable with that."
• "I have a different perspective on this."
• "No, I can't... (do that, go there, etc). RESIST the urge to explain or apologise.

After each boundary-setting experience, take time to process what happened. How did your body feel before, during, and after? What thoughts or beliefs came up? Did any childhood memories surface? This self-reflection helps integrate the experience and gradually rewires your nervous system to recognize that setting boundaries can be safe.

That being said, boundaries is a BIG issue for most of the women I work with, because of the toxic childhood and subsequent narcissistic relationships they've been in. It takes a LOT of work and trauma healing to be able to effectively set boundaries, but it's absolutely possible to do so.

Having healthy boundaries is not about controlling others—they're about honoring your need for safety, respect, and authenticity. Think of boundaries not as walls, but as sacred thresholds that define where you end and others begin. As you strengthen these energetic and emotional boundaries, you'll find that the shame begins to dissolve. Shame thrives in environments where we don't feel entitled to our own needs, feelings, and sacred space so start telling yourself that you have a RIGHT to your boundaries.

The journey to healthy boundaries after narcissistic abuse is not linear—there will be moments of tremendous courage followed by old patterns resurfacing. Each step, no matter how small, is a profound act of reclaiming your divine right to exist fully as yourself, with all your needs and feelings acknowledged as worthy and valid.

In Part 2, I'll share some more techniques you can try to help you release shame and start healing.

Click Here to read part 2.

And if you're struggling to heal from a toxic relationship, check out my Healing Trauma and Codependency course below.