One of the first questions a victim of narcissistic abuse is often asked after they reveal the depths of despair they were in during their relationship with a narcissist, is ‘Why didn’t you leave sooner’, or worse, ‘Why the hell did you go BACK?’ Victims of narcissistic abuse frequently leave the relationship because it was unbearable to be treated so badly during the devaluing stage, or they have been discarded when their narcissist moved on to greener pastures, but they often go back of their own volition, or as soon as the narc ‘hoovers’ them back.

But the question is why? Why, when the relationship is so abusive and leaves them feeling so depressed and worthless, do they return, like lambs to the slaughter?

There's a well-known theory in psychcology called Operant Conditioning that goes a long way to helping us understand the complexity of trauma bonding.

Operant conditioning is a psychological learning process where behaviors are modified through their consequences. Developed by B.F. Skinner, this theory posits that voluntary behaviors are influenced by reinforcement or punishment. In operant conditioning, behaviors followed by positive outcomes are more likely to be repeated, while those followed by negative outcomes are less likely to recur.

This concept applies to trauma bonding in several ways. The abuser alternates between periods of mistreatment and moments of kindness or affection, creating an unpredictable pattern of positive and negative reinforcement that fosters a powerful emotional bond.

The victim experiences relief and gratitude during periods of kindness, which reinforces their attachment to the abuser. Conversely, the fear and distress during abusive episodes act as negative reinforcement, making the victim more likely to comply with the abuser's demands to avoid further harm.

The theory is further supported by Patrick J. Carnes' work on trauma bonding, as he inherently connects to operant conditioning principles, though he primarily framed it through cycles of abuse and intermittent reinforcement rather than explicitly naming the psychological theory.

In his book The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, Carnes describes how trauma bonding forms through alternating patterns of reward (e.g., affection, apologies) and punishment (e.g., abuse, manipulation). These cycles mirror operant conditioning’s core mechanism, where behaviors are reinforced or discouraged through consequences. For example, victims become conditioned to seek the abuser’s approval (reward) while avoiding conflict (punishment), creating a dependency that parallels Skinner’s operant conditioning experiments.

So what has this got to do with narcissistic abuse and trauma bonding? When you’ve experienced the highs of ‘love bombing, and then the ‘devaluing’, narcissists typically swing back from time to time with flashes of the ‘love bombing’ to remind you of how great it was, and that keeps you hanging on. Effectively, though they are being abusive most of the time, they are keeping you bonded to them with the vague promise that that things will go back to being the way they were in the ‘golden period.’

Over time, the victim's behavior is shaped by these cycles of reward and punishment. They may learn to justify or rationalize the abuser's actions, isolate themselves from support systems, or develop intense fear about leaving the relationship. The abuser often positions themselves as both the source of harm and comfort, creating a situation where the victim becomes emotionally dependent on them. This mirrors the way operant conditioning can create strong behavioral patterns.

Understanding the role of operant conditioning in trauma bonding can help explain why these relationships are so difficult to leave, despite their harmful nature. It highlights the need for targeted interventions to break these conditioned responses and support healing. And it goes to show why it's SO hard for a person in a narcissistic relationship to leave. It's not simply a case of 'just leave!'

According to Elinor Greenberg, Ph.D, an internationally renowned therapy trainer who specialises in teaching the diagnosis and treatment of Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid personality adaptations, there are 7 stages to trauma bonding*:

The 7 Stages of Narcissistic Trauma Bonding

Stage 1: “Love Bombing”—The Narcissist showers you with love and validation.

Stage 2: Trust and Dependency—You start to trust that they will love you forever. You now depend on them for love and validation.

Stage 3: Criticism Begins—They gradually reduce the amount of love and validation that they give you and start to criticize you and blame you for things. They become demanding.

Stage 4: Gaslighting —They tell you that this is all your fault. If you would only trust them and do exactly as they say, they would shower you with love again. They try to make you doubt your own perceptions and accept their interpretation of reality.

Stage 5: Control Is Established—You do not know what to believe but think that your only chance of getting back the good feelings of Stage 1 is to try doing things their way.

Stage 6: Resignation and Loss of Self—Things get worse, not better. When you try to fight back, they up their abuse ante. Now you would just settle for peace and for the fighting to stop. You are confused, unhappy, your self-esteem is at its lowest.

Stage 7: Addiction—Your friends and family are worried about you. You know that this situation is terrible, but you feel as if you cannot leave because this person is now everything to you. All you can think about is winning back their love.

*Link to Elinor's full post is at the end of this article.

But there's more.