How to Heal After a Toxic Relationship: 6 Critical Steps
If you're reeling from a relationship break-up that left you feeling confused, drained, or questioning your sanity, you're likely dealing with the aftermath of a toxic relationship. It's a unique kind of pain – a mix of self-doubt, anxiety, and a lingering sense of something being profoundly wrong.
So many women (and men, if I'm being honest) move through life carrying invisible wounds—no one can see the scars, but you carry them inside you: childhood hurts, past relationships, especially the toxic ones.
Toxic relationships aren't just 'bad' relationships; they involve consistent patterns of manipulation, control, emotional (and sometimes physical/sexual) abuse, disrespect, and a general disregard for your well-being. These behaviours can leave deep scars, making it very difficult to trust yourself and others. These emotional scars can shape your choices, relationships, and self-worth in ways you may not even realise, and they really affect how you see yourself, and interact with the world.
Healing IS possible.
But within each of us lies the capacity for profound healing and transformation. I know this because I've seen it happen with so many of the women I've worked with. I am often astounded by their capacity to still laugh, to still be empathic and compassionate, in spite of sometimes horrific trauma. Even when life feels heavy or overwhelming, there’s a spark within that refuses to be extinguished. That spark is what makes healing possible, so take heed if you’re suffering right now – healing is possible.
Unleash YOUR Inner Warrior
I credit that healing to the Inner Warrior that lives inside you - your direct connection to your higher self. She's that feisty part of you that wants you so badly to heal, and she'll keep niggling at you in a variety of confusing ways until you finally start listening to her! When you open up that dialogue, magic can happen.
The Inner Warrior isn’t just a metaphor; she’s a force within you that refuses to let pain define her life. She might manifest as a quiet urge to seek help, a sudden realization that something needs to change, an outburst of rage that can’t be ignored, or simply deciding that enough is enough, and you’re not going to live like this any longer. This warrior doesn’t give up on you, even when you’ve given up on yourself.
She’s patient but persistent, waiting for the moment when you’re ready to take that first step toward healing. And when you do that, she's the one who's right at the front lines, ready to do battle for you, but the good part is, she's even more invested in your healing than you are.
You couldn't wish for a better ally. So with her on your side, I want to give you and your Inner Warrior 5 Tips to help you speed up your journey to healing after a toxic relationship.
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The 6 Critical Steps for Healing from Toxic Relationships
1. Acknowledge and Validate Your Feelings
This is simple, but not always easy. It requires you to sit quietly and tune in to your feelings. When I'm working with clients, I go against the grain and ask them to think HARD about what is really upsetting them, and to locate those feelings in their body. This is of course NOT to retraumatise them, but to help them face their emotions - no matter how awful they are - and then in a very short space of time, we completely CHANGE those feelings.
We redefine them, because I give them a whole new way of looking at even truly awful, ugly traumas that happened (and yes, even the truly ugly, awful ones) - using NLP* processes that are ridiculously powerful – to cognitively change the memories, and to somatically release the energy from the body - I’ll share two posts at the bottom of this one that go into these processes in detail - and this makes it possible for them to remember whatever the event was, but it doesn't HURT anymore.
They are able to think about it, recall it, and try to feel the pain - but they can't - it's GONE.
And your Inner Warrior is the one who gives you permission to let go, to change the past in a way that serves you now. When you finally acknowledge her presence and begin to listen, incredible things can unfold. The dialogue with your Inner Warrior becomes a partnership, one where she guides you toward reclaiming your strength and rewriting your story. She becomes the one who helps you to hone your intuition and listen to it. You can also consider her to be your higher self - a part of you that has access to a deep well of spiritual wisdom and truth. Now isn't that exciting?
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2. Break All Contact
This is HUGE after a toxic relationship. It’s absolutely essential, especially if the toxic one is a narcissist. Cut off ALL communication with your ex-partner. This includes phone calls, texts, social media, and even contact through mutual friends (if necessary). Unfriend, block, delete them from everywhere. Ask mutual friends to NOT share information about your ex with you. It can feel harsh, but it's an act of self-preservation.
No contact is absolutely essential for creating the space you need to heal, because it will give you respite from the constant roller-coaster of emotions that go with a toxic relationship. It will allow the fog in your head to start clearing, and you’ll also start to remember that you existed in a better space before this person came along.
Which takes us onto the next point!
3. Reclaim Your Identity
Toxic relationships have a sneaky way of blurring your sense of self. You might have adopted your partner's interests, sacrificed your own needs, and even lost touch with your values. You’ve probably also been forced or manipulated to giving up your friends, family, hobbies – anything and everything that mattered to you. I know women who gave up their jobs, sold their homes, and were left with nothing. They had to rebuild from scratch.
But now is the time to reconnect with who you truly are, outside of that toxic dynamic.
So how do you reconnect to you? Here’s six ideas to get you thinking.
Reconnect with Family & Friends
First and foremost, even if you feel you’ve burned all your bridges, reach out to family members and friends – providing of course that they’re not equally toxic! If they really care about you, they’ll be prepared to give you another chance and you can re-establish relationships. And remember this in future – don’t ever cut out your family or friends for a new relationship, because in a healthy one, there is room for everyone.
Reconnect with Lost Passions:
- What did you love to do before the relationship? I've had so many of my clients tell me that once they started healing, their passion for art, craft and writing - to name a few - reignited.
- What hobbies, interests, or activities brought you joy?
- Make a list and start incorporating those things back into your life, one by one. Or for now, just pick ONE, and go with that, so you don't get overwhelmed.
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Explore New Interests:
- Is there something you've always wanted to try but never had the chance?
- Take a class, join a club, or simply dedicate some time to exploring a new hobby.
This is a great way to discover new facets of yourself and meet like-minded people.
Define Your Values:
- What's truly important to you in life? (And check out this post if you have no idea where to start with this one!)
- What principles guide your decisions and actions?
- Write down your core values and use them as a compass for making choices that align with your authentic self.
- What has the toxic relationship taught you about yourself and your core values?
Redefine Your Style:
Did your style change during the relationship to please your partner? So many of the women I’ve worked with have told me how their partners insisted they wear their hair a certain way, their clothes a certain way, and they began to feel smaller and more inferior as the relationship wore on. Their personalities and how they liked to express themselves in their style, were eroded. Now that you’re out of the relationship, it’s time to revisit what YOU like!
Experiment with new clothes, hairstyles, or makeup looks that express who you are now. Express your inner goddess!
The Most Important Step!
4. Healing Past Trauma
If you're really struggling, then it's wise to seek a professional to help you to heal. Emotional abuse can leave very deep scars, as I’ve mentioned, but it also results in real-world issues like anxiety, depression, and c-PTSD, and these can be very hard to get past on your own. Find a therapist who's well versed in trauma healing, narcissistic abuse and who has the skills you need to help you move the needle. You are welcome to book a complimentary chat with me if you'd like to discuss how I can help you.
But before I get too far ahead of myself - I do acknowledge that delving into your past isn't always easy. Most of the woman I work with have had a huge amount of past trauma to deal with – which often started in childhood, and sometimes horribly abusive homes. They went on to get into multiple toxic, narcissistic relationships and marriages, before finally deciding that the time had come to break the cycle and stop attracting horrible people.
Breaking the cycle requires looking into how the patterns got started in the first place – and that usually starts in childhood. Inside you there is still a little child who is suffering because she was not loved and nurtured the way she should have been; she is carrying those emotional wounds and they are still hurting your grown up you. Healing the inner child is enormously powerful and will free you from those old beliefs, so that those memories can no longer hurt you.
I do this with clients all the time, because I know there is almost always a wounded inner child who needs healing. Choosing to release your painful past is a courageous decision to make, and then working on the process to release the cognitive memories, and the somatic energy still in your body, is like having a ton of weight lifted off you. It's a decision well worth taking!
Emotional trauma is often deeply buried, yet a part of you knows it's there and knows it's responsible for the deep feelings of unease you often feel. It can take some gentle coaxing to get that part of yourself to open up, feel the pain, and then heal that pain, and working with an experienced therapist who understands emotional trauma can really accelerate your healing.
And you will feel SO much better when you do that healing, I can promise you that!
Moving on also involves acknowledging what those experiences taught you without letting them define who you are today. It’s about recognizing that while those moments shaped parts of your journey, they don’t have to determine your destination. With each step forward, you create more room for joy, connection, and growth.
But I know, that's not always easy.
5. Learn to Love Yourself
It can be VERY tough to love yourself if you've been brought up in a toxic environment, as most of my clients have.
And then you, by default, gravitate to more toxic relationships, which just reinforce this deep-seated belief you have that you're not worthy, or you’re a ‘horrible person and I don’t deserve love’ – which is what one of my clients said to me a couple of days ago about herself.
So I know it's not easy to just simply start loving yourself.
It takes WORK.
It takes deep THOUGHT.
It takes a strong willingness to heal, a deep desire to heal, and a fierce longing to just accept who you are.
It takes all that and more, and courage in spades, to open up and be vulnerable about the trauma you've suffered, but if you can do that in a safe space, with a trusted friend, or a therapist, you'll open the door to a new chapter for yourself.
I know, because I see this happening with my clients all the time.
But if you're not ready for that big 'cry ugly' stuff just yet, you can start with some basics.
Start with understanding that self-love isn’t about pampering yourself with luxuries; it’s about treating yourself with respect and kindness every day.
- It’s about waking up and choosing to be on your own side, even when things get tough.
- It’s acknowledging your flaws without beating yourself up over them.
- It’s about seeing your worth without needing someone else to validate it.
When you've never been taught that you have basic rights to be loved and respected, you have to learn it for yourself.
Self-love is also about consistency—showing up for yourself daily in ways big and small.
It could mean prioritizing rest when you're exhausted or speaking kindly to yourself when self-doubt creeps in.
True self-love isn’t conditional; it doesn’t depend on external achievements or approval from others. It also involves challenging the narratives you’ve internalized from past experiences—those voices that tell you you're not enough or undeserving of love.
By embracing self-love, you rewrite those stories into ones where compassion and acceptance take centre stage.
6. Practical Self-Care
Self-care isn’t all face masks and yoga mats (although there's nothing wrong with those, definitely add some of them into your routine!) But the deeper self-care is about much more.
- It’s about knowing when to take a break and when to push forward.
- It’s about setting boundaries that protect your energy and being okay with saying no.
- It’s finding what genuinely makes you happy and doing more of that.
- It’s as simple as getting enough sleep or taking a walk to clear your mind
Let’s delve deeper into this: practical self-care is deeply personal—it looks different for everyone because our needs vary based on our circumstances and personalities.
For some, it might mean scheduling regular therapy sessions; for others, it could involve turning off their phone for an hour each evening to recharge mentally.
Practical self-care also includes addressing the basics we often overlook: eating nourishing meals, staying hydrated, or seeking medical attention when needed.
But above all, it means finding what works for you, to make you feel better in the moment until you're ready to start tackling the bigger, deeper aspects of healing. You absolutely must be gentle and compassionate with yourself, because you've been through a LOT, but you're still here, in truth, you're a fighter, and your Inner Warrior knows it!
Now if you want help to heal, then I recommend you click below to get my FREE ebook Bundle, Speedy Trauma Healing Secrets, which will really help you to kick-start your healing journey.
It'll be worth it, because you're worth it.
If you're trying to heal from a toxic, narcissistic relationship,
I recommend you get your FREE healing bundle right now.
Author: Maria McMahon
Maria McMahon, 'The Speedy Trauma Healer', is a British Certified and CPD Accredited Trauma Informed Therapist & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Specialist with over three decades of experience. She holds a BSc in Psychology (Hons), a Diploma in NLP & Ericksonian Hypnotherapy, & is a Certified Reiki Practitioner. As an author of multiple books on healing and spirituality, (focusing on aspects of the Danish mystic Martinus' Cosmology), Maria is deeply interested in the spiritual aspects of our being. Maria combines NLP, somatic & cognitive healing techniques, & Internal Family Systems with elements of spirituality to create a holistic healing approach, to her clients through compassionate and efficient trauma recovery.
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