How to Deal with the Narcissist's Discard:
7 Key Tips for Healing
Being discarded by a narcissist is a brutal experience, and there's no two ways about it. Discarding is the final stage of the trifecta in narcissistic abuse – love bomb, devalue, discard - although it’s by no means always the end of the line.
Their reign of destruction often continues with hoovering, flying monkeys, and smear campaigns to carry on wreaking havoc in your life, and that’s literally what happens – if you let it. Narcissists discard people like toxic waste, and it can be absolutely devastating. It crushes your sense of self-worth and makes you feel that life is utterly hopeless.
When you are brutally discarded by a narcissist and you’re reeling from shock, you’re probably driving yourself up the wall trying to figure out why they’ve done this to you… when they professed to love you like no one else. You’ll be going crazy, second guessing yourself and asking yourself what you’ve done wrong. But I want you to pause that thought, and realise that the narcissist’s discard is never about anything YOU’VE done wrong.
It's always about THEM, so let me start by giving you some real reasons why they might have unceremoniously discarded you, without any explanation or apology, and without a backward glance.
There are four common reasons why the narcissist discards you:
1. Not enough ‘Narcissistic Supply’
Because you’re no longer giving them enough narcissistic supply. That’s basically attention, adoration, and unstinting support no matter how absurd and abusive they have been to you. You’ve become boring to them and outlived your worth – and by this stage, they will already have lined up or be actively involved in at least one or more new relationships because they must ensure their supply never runs out.
2. You’ve seen through their ‘mask’
You’ve seen through their false self, the mask that they’ve presented to you, and this undermines the fabricated image they’ve created for themselves, and this threatens their very existence. They cannot deal with real life, in a real way, or with real emotions, commitments, expectations – and most people need to have such expectations in place for any relationship to work.
When you start to show realistic expectations, they can quite easily switch off and discard you like you’re nothing, no matter how long you may have been together or how much you’ve supported them. One of my clients had been married for several years to a female narcissist, who was also a spendthrift. She was ploughing through over $30,000 a month on designer handbags and clothing. He talked to her about it and said if she couldn’t curb her spending, he’d have to cap her credit card limit.
Within 24 hours, she’d packed up her belongings and moved out, and straight in with another man. The divorce settlement cost him $3 million, not including the hundreds of thousands of his money she’d spent on expensive goodies during the marriage. And, she had never contributed a cent to the marriage.
3. You’ve incited ‘Narcissistic Rage’
You’ve incited narcissistic rage, by doing or saying something that affected their fragile sense of self, so they are going to discard you – and worse, they’re going to punish you and will set out to destroy your life. The lengths they will go to, to smear, discredit, and ruin you, is shocking. They are truly evil at this stage of their awful game. This might involve gaslighting your friends and family to make you seem unstable.
And yet, such is the warped mind of the narcissist, that despite the appalling things they’ve done to you and the brutal way they’ve discarded you, they will often come back at the hoovering stage, to try to get back into the relationship with you. It seems unbelievable, but remember that narcissists are wired differently to other people, and they have no social conscience whatsoever. They might use manipulative tactics like guilt-tripping or playing the victim to suck you back in.
4. They’ve found a better ‘supply’
They’ve met someone who is such a superlative source of 'fuel' (i.e., narcissistic supply) that they simply consider you redundant now… Imagine if you had an old banger of a car, that was getting you from A to B, doing what it was meant to do, and then you won a top-of-the-range shiny new Lexus or Mercedes… how quickly would you want to be rid of the old banger and swan about town in your swanky new car? Unfortunately, you’re like the old banger, and the shiny new car, the new supply, is far more desirable to the narcissist because you were sadly just an object for them, and now you're worn out, and they’ve found something brighter and shinier.
So how do you cope with the awfulness of all this? Let's dive in to 7 key tips that I recommend.
How do you cope with the narcissist's discard? 7 Key Tips
It's NOT easy, I will grant you that. Absolutely no sugar-coating of pills here!
But here are 7 key things that you have to do so that you can start healing.
1. Accept the Truth
So what do you do? Nursing a broken heart isn’t going to do you any good in the case that you feel this way. You must realize that the person you were in love with didn’t exist. Narcissists present false selves – fake selves, fake personas, wearing a mask - because they have no self or identity of their own. What you fell in love with was a false projection of who they wanted you to think they were at the time they met you and started the love bombing.
They ensnared you by mirroring who they saw in front of them and fed back all your good qualities. But it was all a massive lie – a pretence. Hard and all as it is to accept this brutal betrayal, accepting the truth is the first step you can take in moving forward. Understand that their behaviour is a reflection of their internal deficits, NOT a reflection of your worth.
2. Learn About Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
My strongest advice at this point is to really learn about NPD and what narcissists are capable of. Understanding the manipulative tactics they use, such as gaslighting, projection, and triangulation, can help you validate your experiences and realize that you weren't going crazy.
And to thank the universe or whatever higher power you believe in and go no contact immediately. You’ve escaped the cage, so count your blessings, and if you find yourself longing for the ‘golden days’, focus firmly on the catalogue of abuse you’ve been subjected to prior to being discarded. Write it all down and read it if you are feeling low, missing them, or tempted to go back. Because if you do go back (and there are often opportunities to do so – see No 6, below), the abuse will get much worse. Narcissists do not change, and they can’t be fixed.
3. Be Prepared for the Smear Campaign
As much as possible, protect yourself from the potential – and very likely – smear campaign that your ex (or whoever the narc in your life is, for that matter) is going to start, but also realize that they will probably have started this long before the discard, and you may well lose ‘friends’ because the narc is so convincing, they’ll believe that you are the crazy, jealous, vindictive, manipulative one.
Remember that narcissists are masters of deception and will often play the victim to gain sympathy and support. Don't try to defend yourself directly to those who have already been influenced by the narcissist; instead, focus on building a strong support system of people who believe and understand you.
If these 'friends' believe the narcissist, then they are people you don't want in your life anyway.
4. Think About Yourself
During your time with the narcissist, you will almost certainly have lost a lot, if not all, of your confidence, and your self-worth will have taken a hammering. You have to learn how to start recovering your self-worth and value as an individual again.
This requires that you start rejecting all the BS you have been hearing from the narcissist for too long. You need to tune into yourself, to reconnect with the person you were before the abuse started. That person is still there, waiting for the sun to come out again.
Engage in activities that bring you joy and help you rediscover your passions and interests. Understand that you are good enough, you are not to blame, and that there is life after narcissistic abuse. Look for the positive aspects of being free from the constant stress of being with the narcissist. Learn to breathe again, and start putting yourself first. Know that you didn’t deserve this treatment and you absolutely can heal – in weeks, not years!
If you need help to heal, I have a free ebook, Speedy Trauma Healing Secrets, that you can download today. In this book, I share some very powerful ways you can start healing - fast. You’ll find a link at the bottom of this post.
5. Get Support
It is really important at this stage that you reach out to the real friends and family you know will believe you… everyone else you just have to let go. If they’re going to believe the narcissist instead of you, you don’t want them in your life anyway, as I've mentioned.
If that’s not possible and you’ve burned all the family and friends bridges, reach out to a support group. You are not alone, and there are people in these groups who understand what you are going through, and they will support you. Online forums and communities dedicated to narcissistic abuse recovery can provide a safe and validating space to share your experiences and connect with others who understand.
6. Guard Against ‘Hoovering’
Narcissists frequently try to ‘hoover’ their victims back, even when they have behaved in ways that beggar belief. This 'hoovering' can take many forms, from direct contact and declarations of love to subtle attempts to provoke a reaction from you, or pity plays through mutual friends who they’ve got under their spell. There’s even a type of narcissist, the ‘victim or vulnerable’ who will threaten suicide. I’ve heard this a lot. And it’s emotional blackmail that can also be absolutely terrifying for you.
If this ever happens to you – do NOT be tempted to go back. What you CAN do is call the police and ask them to carry out a health check, and advise that this person has threatened suicide. I know people who’ve done this, and it worked because the person in question realised that the tactic had backfired when his ex basically called his bluff. However, in rare occasions, suicide threats can be real, which is why calling the police is a better option as they are better placed to get help.
Be wary and warned, and don’t kid yourself that you can ever get those golden days back if the narcissist invariably comes back to hoover you up again. If you go back, the cycle of abuse will continue and get worse and worse. It can be very hard to stay away if you are trauma bonded, in which case I’d recommend getting a therapist to help you break that bond. Trauma bonding creates a chemical addiction to the narcissist, making it difficult to break free from the cycle of abuse.
7. Maintain ‘No Contact’
Going and maintaining no contact is the only solution (or low contact if you have children, business, or property issues that leave you no choice.) You need to give yourself space to allow yourself to start thinking clearly again. The longer you stay away, the more clearly you will see just how abusive the relationship was.
It may feel like the end of the world when you’ve been discarded and you’re still trauma bonded, but you have to start focusing on yourself and your healing, and going no contact is one of the most vital steps in achieving that healing. Resist the urge to check their social media or ask mutual friends about them, as this will only prolong the healing process.
So, going no contact means blocking the person everywhere. In addition, block any 'friends' you have in common because they will often try to get to you via friends. BLOCK every possible avenue, social media, phone, emails. Make it impossible for them to contact you. This includes blocking their new supply if you know who that is and any of their flying monkeys (enablers).
If you do these things and really focus on yourself, the fog will start to clear, but the most important thing to remember is that none of this was your fault, and you can be happy again. I have worked with a lot of women to help them to heal, so I know first-hand that healing is possible. Have faith in your ability to heal. Remember, you are not defined by your experience with a narcissist, and you deserve to live a life filled with peace, joy, and healthy relationships.
If you're struggling and need help to heal, then check out my free eBook Bundle, Speedy Trauma Healing Secrets, below. Or, if you'd like to have a chat with me, to see how I can help you to accelerate your healing, you can book a call here.
Either way, I wish you speedy trauma healing!
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Author: Maria McMahon
Maria McMahon, 'The Speedy Trauma Healer', is a British Certified and CPD Accredited Trauma Informed Therapist & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Specialist with over three decades of experience. She holds a BSc in Psychology (Hons), a Diploma in NLP & Ericksonian Hypnotherapy, & is a Certified Reiki Practitioner. As an author of multiple books on healing and spirituality, (focusing on aspects of the Danish mystic Martinus' Cosmology), Maria is deeply interested in the spiritual aspects of our being. Maria combines NLP, somatic & cognitive healing techniques, & Internal Family Systems with elements of spirituality to create a holistic healing approach, to her clients through compassionate and efficient trauma recovery.
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