Overcoming the Shame of Narcissistic Relationships: 9 strategies to reclaim your life Part 2.

9 Strategies to Reclaim Your Life: Part 2

Continuing on from Part 1 (click here if you've not read it yet), let's look at some more proven strategies to help you to release any shame associated with narcissistic abuse, and release trauma and emotional pain into the bargain.

Strategy No 5: Try Body-Based (Somatic) Healing Practices

Trauma from narcissistic abuse doesn't just live in your mind – it's stored in the very tissues and nervous system of your body. This profound bodily imprint explains why logical understanding alone often fails to create lasting healing. Your body has faithfully recorded every moment of fear, confusion, and overwhelm, creating what renowned trauma expert Bessel van der Kolk calls "the body keeping the score", in his book of the same name (I highly recommended it, if you've not read it!)

Many survivors experience a range of physical symptoms that healthcare providers often misdiagnose or dismiss: chronic tension that creates persistent pain, digestive issues that seem to have no physical cause, sleep disturbances that leave you exhausted yet wired, autoimmune flare-ups, adrenal fatigue, and a persistent feeling of being on high alert – as if danger could emerge at any moment.

These symptoms aren't psychological fabrications or weakness – they're the natural response of a body that has endured prolonged periods of stress and hypervigilance while navigating the unpredictable terrain of narcissistic abuse. This is all stored in your nervous system.

Addressing the physical dimension of your trauma isn't optional – it's essential for comprehensive healing. When we honour the body's wisdom and provide it with pathways to release stored trauma, we often experience breakthroughs that years of cognitive understanding alone cannot achieve. The body holds not only our wounds but also our innate capacity for healing and wholeness.

Have a look at these body-based healing practices and see if you fancy trying any of them:

· Trauma-informed yogahelps release tension and reconnect with your body in a safe, gentle way. Unlike conventional yoga, trauma-sensitive approaches emphasize choice, permission, and internal awareness rather than perfect form. This practice creates a sacred conversation between you and your body, rebuilding trust that may have been severely damaged during your relationship with the narcissist.

· Rhythmic breathing exercisesactivate your parasympathetic nervous system – your body's natural relaxation response – countering the fight-or-flight patterns that narcissistic abuse triggers. Simple practices like box breathing (inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4) or coherent breathing (5-6 breaths per minute) can dramatically shift your nervous system state, bringing you back to a place of centered calm.

· Progressive muscle relaxation and body scanninghelp identify and release areas of tension you might not even realize you're holding. Many survivors are so accustomed to being in a state of hypervigilance that tension feels normal – these practices help you rediscover what true relaxation feels like while honoring each area of your body with gentle awareness.

· Mindful walking in naturegrounds you in the present moment and in your physical sensations. Nature itself has tremendous healing properties, and the rhythmic movement of walking helps integrate the left and right hemispheres of your brain, facilitating emotional processing while connecting you to the larger web of life beyond your trauma story.

· Expressive movement therapieslike dance, Authentic Movement, or TRE (Tension & Trauma Releasing Exercises) allow you to express emotions that might be difficult to verbalize. Our bodies naturally want to shake, tremble, and move to discharge trauma – these practices create safe containers for this organic release without requiring you to narrate or analyze your experience.

· Therapeutic touch modalitiessuch as craniosacral therapy, somatic experiencing, or trauma-informed massage can help release deeply held patterns of tension and constriction. Working with a practitioner trained in trauma can provide support as your body begins to release what it has held for your protection, usually for many years.

Some of them as you can see, are super-simple... breathing, walking in nature, so start with those, and then move on to more advanced healing work when you feel ready.

Strategy 6: Rewrite Your Personal Story

The stories you tell yourself? They're just stories - they're NOT you. They're NOT who you are. They're the lens through which you see the world, the running commentary in your head that colours every experience. But before the narcissist even came along, you might have already been carrying a heavy load of negative stories – ongoing echoes from a difficult childhood, echoes of critical parents, or the lingering pain of past traumas. For many women I've worked with, the narcissistic relationship simply amplified those old wounds, reinforcing beliefs they'd held since they were little girls.

The wounded inner child - or, as I've recently learned from a seminar I attended - the wounded inner children, are still suffering from the emotional trauma that they felt at the time of the wounding. They are stuck, frozen in time, and those echoes won't go away until the healing is done.

Perhaps you grew up in a home where your feelings were dismissed, your needs were ignored, or you were constantly told you weren't good enough. Maybe you learned to suppress your own desires in order to please others, or you developed a deep-seated fear of abandonment. These early experiences can create a fertile ground for narcissistic abuse later in life, as you become accustomed to sacrificing yourself for the sake of a relationship.

So, before the narcissist even came along, that inner voice has likely been hijacked. You might be stuck in a story that was written for you– a tale of victimhood, constant self-blame, and a gnawing sense of hopelessness. It's a narrative where you're always the problem, always coming up short.

But here's the thing: you get to write a new story. You get to reclaim that inner voice and craft a narrative that reflects your strength, your resilience, and your incredible capacity for growth. It's time to become the author of your own life again.

Where do you even begin? Start by getting that old story down on paper (or a screen, whatever works). Really examine it. What are the key plot points? What are the recurring themes? More importantly, what beliefs about yourself and the world did you end up swallowing? Did you start to believe you were unlovable? Worthless? Incapable of making good decisions? Did you start to see the world as a dangerous, untrustworthy place?

Now, this is the crucial part: challenge everything. Pick apart those beliefs one by one. Ask yourself, "Are these things actually true? Or were they just things my parents/the narcissist wanted me to believe?" Look for the evidence – or, more likely, the lack of evidence. You might be surprised at how flimsy those beliefs actually are when you hold them up to the light.

Once you've started to dismantle the old story, you can begin crafting a new one. And this isn't about pretending the abuse never happened, or slapping a coat of 'toxic positivity' over the pain. It's about acknowledging what you went through, validating your experiences, and then consciously choosing to focus on your strength, your resilience, and your journey towards healing. It’s about recognising that you are not defined by what happened to you, but by how you choose to move to forward.

Strategy 7: Set meaningful goals

Narcissistic abuse can leave you feeling utterly adrift, as if someone's cut the anchor line and you're just floating aimlessly. It's like your life's been put on hold, or even worse, that someone else has been writing the script for you. It's no wonder you might be feeling lost, confused, and without a clear sense of direction.

But setting goals – even small ones – is a powerful way to grab the steering wheel again and reclaim your sense of agency and purpose. It's about saying, "Right, I'm in charge now. I get to decide where I'm going, and how I'm going to get there."

Start small, and be kind to yourself. Don't feel like you have to climb Mount Everest straight away. What's one thing – just one thing – you'd genuinely like to accomplish in the next month? It could be something seemingly insignificant, like reading a book, taking a walk in nature, or trying a new recipe.

Or it could be something a bit bigger, related to your career, a long-neglected hobby, your health, or your relationships. The key is to choose something that genuinely resonates with you and feels achievable.

Write it down – that's important. Putting it on paper makes it feel more real, more tangible. Then, break it down into manageable steps. If your goal is to get back into painting, for example, your steps might be:

1) Research art supplies shops

2) Buy a basic set of paints and brushes

3) Find a beginner's tutorial online

4) Dedicate 30 minutes each week to painting

I actually got into adult colouring last year, and awakened an totally unknown part of myself that I'm now exploring with sketching! I'm not very good, but you have to start somewhere, and I'm enjoying the process!

As you start ticking off those smaller steps and achieving those initial goals, allow yourself to gradually expand your vision. What do you want your life to look like in a year? Five years? Don't be afraid to dream big – really big. What have you always wanted to do, but felt too scared, too unworthy, or too limited to pursue? Now is the time to dust off those dreams and give them a bit of sunshine. Remember, the narcissist no longer has any power over you, any power to limit your potential, or any power to tell you what you can and can't achieve.

And remember, progress isn't always linear. There will inevitably be setbacks, detours, and difficult days when you feel like you're going backwards. That's okay – that's part of the process. Don't beat yourself up about it. Just acknowledge the setback, learn from it if you can, and gently nudge yourself back on track. And each step forward, no matter how small, is a victory worth celebrating. Acknowledge it, reward yourself for it, and use it as fuel to keep going. You've got this.

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Strategy 8: Consider Forgiveness (But Don't Feel You Have To)

To forgive, or not to forgive, that is the question!

Forgiveness is a tricky one, because the very idea of forgiving the abuser can really inflame and anger some people - which I totally understand. That's why I said 'don't feel you have to' because you absolutely don't, if you're not ready. And you might never be ready in this lifetime. But then again, you might. It's a very complex subject, and very much dependant on each person as to whether they will or they won't, they can or they can't.

People might say, "Oh, you just need to forgive and forget!" as if it's as simple as flicking a switch. But let me tell you, from both personal experience and from years of working with survivors of narcissistic abuse, it's never that straightforward. I had a personal experience with someone who I couldn't forgive for over 10 years, and wasn't until another pivotal event happened in my family that I finally had to let go and forgive, though to be honest, I could never feel the same way about that person again.

Forgiveness is not about excusing the narcissist's appalling behaviour or pretending that what they did was okay. And it certainly isn't about opening the door and inviting them back into your life – absolutely not. Forgiveness, in this context, is something far more nuanced and deeply personal.

At its heart, it's about releasing the corrosive hold that anger, resentment, and bitterness have on you. It's about untangling yourself from the emotional knots that are keeping you trapped in the past and preventing you from moving forward.

This is a deeply personal process, and there is absolutely no timeline for when (or even if) you should forgive. Some people find that, in time, forgiveness does bring them a sense of peace, a sense of closure. Others find it more helpful to focus on simply accepting what happened, acknowledging the pain, and then consciously choosing to move on without necessarily extending forgiveness. And that's perfectly valid, too.

If you do choose to explore forgiveness, it's essential to remember that it's a gift you give yourself, not the abuser. It's not about letting them off the hook or condoning their actions. It's about freeing yourself from the heavy emotional burden of carrying all that anger and pain.

As a therapist, I've witnessed time and again how, when people are truly ready to forgive, it's like a massive weight is lifted off their shoulders. They literally seem lighter, brighter, and more free. Letting go of that burden frees them. It's never really about the person who hurt them. They come to understand that that person who hurt them has their own life, their own issues, their own traumas, and their own soul journey. They realise the validity of that meme that floats around on social media a lot: 'Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.'

But it's always your choice, and if you choose to forgive, that's great, if you choose not to, that's your right to exercise. Always do what your instincts tell you is right for you.

And don't forget – you might also need to practice self-forgiveness. So many women I've worked with have struggled with guilt, wondering if they "allowed" the abuse to happen, or berating themselves for not leaving sooner. Please, be gentle with yourself. Remind yourself that you did the best you could with the information, resources, and emotional capacity you had at the time. You were surviving, and that's all that mattered.

Forgiveness is a long and winding road, and it's perfectly okay to take your time, to change your mind, or to decide that it's simply not the right path for you. The most important thing is to honour your own feelings, your own needs, and your own healing journey.

Strategy 9: Find the meaning in all this

As you progress in your healing journey, you might find yourself grappling with a question that just keeps bubbling up: "Why did this happen to me?" It's a natural part of being human, especially after you've been through something deeply traumatic. You're searching for some kind of rhyme or reason, some explanation for the pain.Now, there's no simple answer to that question, and I think it's important to be wary of anyone who claims there is.

I'm reminded of Viktor Frankl's book, "Man's Search for Meaning," in which he describes his experiences as a prisoner in Nazi concentration camps. Frankl observed that the prisoners who were most likely to survive were those who were able to find some kind of meaning in their suffering. They held on to HOPE, even in the face of unimaginable horrors, that kept them alive while countless others died.

Frankl noted that we can't always control what happens to us, but we can always control how we respond to it. We can always choose our attitude, our perspective, and our purpose.

And to be honest, many of the clients I've worked with have been able to find some kind of meaning in their suffering that has helped them to transform their pain into something purposeful. It's like taking something broken and creating something beautiful from the pieces.

Think of the Japanese art of Kintsugi, where broken pottery is repaired with gold, silver, or platinum lacquer. The cracks are not hidden; they are celebrated as part of the object's history, making it even more beautiful, unique and expensive, than it was before. In the same way, your experiences, including the painful ones, have shaped you into the person you are today. They don't diminish your worth; they add to it. You are a masterpiece in progress, and the cracks are simply part of your story.

But of course, this doesn't mean that the abuse wasn't an awful thing for you to have to go through, because it was. It simply means that you can choose how this experience shapes your life moving forward. You can choose to let it define you, or you can choose to use it as a catalyst for growth and transformation.

Some survivors find meaning through:

Helping others who have been through similar experiences. Sharing your story and offering support to others can be incredibly healing, both for you and for them. It's like turning your pain into a beacon of hope.

Speaking out to raise awareness and understanding of narcissistic abuse. By shining a light on this often-hidden form of abuse, you can help to protect others from falling victim to it.

Developing a deeper sense of empathy and compassion for the suffering of others. Having experienced profound pain yourself, you may find that you're more able to connect with others who are hurting.

Exploring your spirituality or philosophy. For some, the healing journey leads them to a deeper understanding of themselves, the world, and their place in it.

Expressing themselves through art, writing, or other creative outlets. Transforming pain into something beautiful and meaningful can be an incredibly powerful way to heal.

Remember, finding meaning is a deeply personal thing. There's no right or wrong way to integrate your experience into your life story. The key is to find a perspective that feels authentic to you and that supports your continued growth and healing.

And as you engage with all of these strategies, please be patient with yourself.

Healing from narcissistic abuse isn't a straight line – it's more like a rollercoaster. You'll have good days when you feel strong and empowered, and you'll have difficult days when you feel like you're back at square one. But with each step you take, with each act of self-compassion, with each boundary you set, the shame will loosen its grip a little more, making way for the authentic, vibrant self that has been waiting to emerge.

If you missed Part 1 of this 2 part series, click here for the first part.

And if you're struggling to heal from a toxic relationship, check out my Healing Trauma and Codependency course below.