If a Narcissist Tells You They Love You, Are they Lying?

It's not a nice question to ask, but unfortunately, the truth is that you have to ask yourself this question, and I hope this article will encourage you to burst the bubble if you believe otherwise, and be prepared for the brutal truth.

The answer to this question is both no – and yes. Why? Because when a narcissist meets you initially and they start the 'love bombing' stage, they are in love with an idealized version of you... a version that has nothing to do with who you really are as a person.

They mirror you and this creates an enigmatic rapport that has you falling head-over-heels before you know what's hit you. But after a while (usually quite short), they start seeing you as a real person who can't live up to their impossibly high, and totally false, ideals of who you should be. So then they start the ‘devaluing’ stage, and this is where they get really mean, and you’re left reeling from shock because you can’t understand this Jekyll and Hyde behaviour they’re suddenly displaying.

One minute they adored you, the next, they’re criticizing you, flirting in front of you, withholding sex and affection, and leaving you feeling wretched. They devalue you to make themselves feel better, which is pretty sick when you really think about it.

What makes this stage particularly devastating is its contrast with the previous affection and adoration. This dramatic shift sends you into a tailspin of confusion and self-doubt. Paradoxically, they devalue you precisely because of your positive qualities—your authenticity, kindness, and emotional depth. These qualities highlight everything they lack, triggering their insecurity and prompting them to try to destroy what they cannot possess: genuine emotional wholeness.

So back to the question... yes, they are lying about loving you. And must as I know it hurts to have to come to that realisation, if you are going to heal and get over the break-up, you absolutely MUST accept this painful reality. In the beginning they are lying to themselves, because they know the form... you're not the first person they've love-bombed, and you won't be the last. During your relationship, they will almost certainly be carrying on relationships with other sources of 'supply', because one is never enough to satiate their utterly insatiable appetite for Narcissistic Supply.

The harsh truth is that yes, they are lying. They are lying because a narcissist is truly incapable of real love. A narcissist is an empty, hollow vessel who needs constant attention, adoration and incessant validation. They exhaust you, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and often financially and physically. They lie, cheat, belittle, degrade and steal - not just your possessions and money, but they aim to seal your self-worth, your life, your very soul.

They use the word ‘love’ as a means to trap you, and to keep you trapped in their web of lies and deceit.

The simplest way to gauge if someone really loves you, is to look at their actions, their words, their behaviour. Do they match up to a loving person?

Are they kind, gentle, loving, generous to you? Do they do what they say they’ll do? Do they make promises they keep? Do they love to see you happy and fulfilled? Are they supportive? Do they encourage you to do well, to go out and enjoy time with your friends, to spend time with your family? Do they make you feel good about yourself, most of the time?

Or can you honestly answer NO to all those questions? Do they utterly confuse you with gaslighting, saying one thing and then denying it, spying on you, running ‘word salad’ rings around you and telling you that you are needy, insecure, jealous, suspicious, and accusing you constantly of doing all the things they are doing?

Have they tried to isolate you from your family and friends? Do they constantly talk about themselves, and have little time to hear or listen to anything you have to say?

Does this sound like the behaviour of someone who loves you? Ask yourself what love really is, and what it means to you? How do you show your love? What matters most in showing love to you? Are you getting back even a fraction of what you’re putting into the relationship?

If you are living with a narcissist, then you are not loved. You’re being used, abused, and you will be destroyed and discarded. It’s only a matter of time. My advice is and always will be, (I know, I sound like a broken record), to get out of the relationship and start living your life in freedom again.

If you recognize these patterns in your relationship, you must acknowledge a difficult truth: you are not being loved—you are being exploited. The narcissist's ultimate trajectory involves using, abusing, and eventually discarding you once they've extracted maximum value or when you begin to see through their facade. Breaking free from this cycle is not merely beneficial but essential for your psychological and emotional survival.

Recovery begins with acceptance—understanding that the narcissist will not change and that their behavior reflects their pathology rather than your worth. Establishing firm boundaries, ideally including complete separation when possible, is crucial to healing.

Seek support from trusted friends, family members, and mental health professionals who understand narcissistic abuse. Remember that your capacity for genuine love and connection is precisely what the narcissist lacks and envies—it is your strength, not your weakness. By reclaiming your independence, you open yourself to the possibility of authentic relationships based on mutual respect and affection, rather than manipulation and control.

And that is what everyone deserves.

If you're struggling with the trauma bond, I have two articles that will help:

1) The Revolutionary way to Break the Trauma Bond

2) Why you still love a narcissist: 9 tips to break the bond