5 Signs You're a People-Pleaser: 5 Ways to Break the Habit!

Do you find yourself constantly putting others' needs before your own? Are you the go-to person for favours, even when you're stretched thin? If you're nodding along, you might be stuck in the people-pleasing trap. Let's dive into five tell-tale signs that you're living to please others at the expense of your own well-being.

You Can't Say No

Remember the last time your friend asked you to help them move house, even though you had plans? Did you cancel your own plans to help them? That's classic people-pleasing behaviour. Often, this inability to say no stems from a deep-seated fear. You might worry that people will think less of you if you refuse, or that you'll disappoint them. Constantly agreeing to things you don't want to do can lead to burnout, resentment, and a loss of self-respect.

You Apologize... for Everything

"Sorry, am I in your way?" "Sorry for the bother, but..." Sound familiar? Over-apologizing is a hallmark of people-pleasing. This habit often stems from a desire to keep the peace and avoid any potential conflict. However, excessive apologizing can actually make people feel awkward and can undermine your own authority and self-confidence.

You Avoid Conflict Like the Plague

Do you find yourself nodding along with others, even when you disagree? While avoiding conflict might seem like a way to keep the peace, it often leads to pent-up frustration and resentment. Your relationships might seem harmonious on the surface, but they lack the depth and authenticity that come from honest communication. By avoiding conflict, you miss out on opportunities for growth, both personally and in your relationships.

You Feel Responsible for Others' Emotions

If your friend is having a bad day, do you feel it's your job to cheer them up? People-pleasers often take on the emotional burdens of others, feeling responsible for their happiness or mood. This tendency often comes from a lack of emotional boundaries, leading you to feel overwhelmed by others' feelings.

You're Exhausted... All the Time

Constantly putting others first is draining. People-pleasing doesn't just wear you out physically; it's mentally exhausting too. If you're feeling burnt out and resentful, it might be because you're not taking care of your own needs. This constant self-neglect can lead to feelings of frustration, anger, and even depression.

If these signs resonate with you, don't worry - you're not alone. People-pleasing is a common issue, but it's one you can overcome. Recognizing these patterns is the first step towards change.

Sarah, a 47-year-old IT Consultant, exemplifies many of these people-pleasing traits. She's always the first to volunteer for extra whenever it’s needed, even when she's swamped with her own work.. Recently, She agreed to host a dinner party for her husband’s work colleagues, despite having an important work deadline the next day. She spent hours cleaning, cooking, and making sure everything was perfect, all while stressing about her unfinished work. By the time the guests left, Sarah was exhausted. She stayed up until 3 am finishing her work, feeling resentful and overwhelmed. The next day, she was so tired she could barely function at work.

And that was just the tip of the iceberg, because Sarah came to me to help her with ‘stress’, but I found out as soon as we got talking that she was married to a narcissist, and that was the cause of massive stress in her life, and people-pleasing was just the surface. Sarah had a history of toxic relationships, narcissistic mother, absent father, and some deeply ingrained co-dependent habits that needed a lot of work to break.

Sarah's story illustrates how people-pleasing behaviours can impact every aspect of life, from work to personal relationships, and ultimately lead to burnout.

People-pleasing tendencies often have deep roots, and understanding them is the first step towards change. Let's dig into some common origins of people-pleasing behaviour:

Childhood Experiences

Many people-pleasers grew up in environments where love and approval were conditional. Perhaps you learned that being 'good' and putting others first was the way to earn affection or avoid conflict. Some children assume the peacekeeper role, trying to smooth over conflicts between parents or siblings, while others face perfectionist pressure, with extremely high expectations placed on them. These pressures can lead to a constant need for approval from others.

Low Self-Esteem

If you don't value yourself, you might seek validation from others by constantly trying to please them. This external validation becomes a substitute for genuine self-esteem. People-pleasers often struggle with imposter syndrome, feeling like they're not good enough despite evidence to the contrary, driving them to prove their worth through pleasing others. Low self-esteem often comes with a fear of rejection, making people-pleasing a strategy to avoid this by making yourself indispensable to others.

Fear of Conflict

The thought of someone disliking you might be so terrifying that you'll do anything to avoid it. This fear of conflict can stem from witnessing hostile conflicts in childhood or experiencing harsh consequences for standing up for yourself. For some, the fear isn't just about conflict, but about any form of disapproval, leading to a constant state of anxiety about others' opinions and a compulsive need to please.

Learned Behaviour

You might have picked up people-pleasing habits from a parent or role model who always put others first. Children often mimic the behaviour they see, internalizing it as the 'right' way to behave. If your early attempts at people-pleasing were met with praise and approval, it might have reinforced this behavior. Over time, it became your go-to strategy for navigating social situations.

Cultural or Societal Expectations

Some cultures or social groups place a high value on selflessness and putting others first, particularly for women. This can reinforce people-pleasing tendencies. In cultures that prioritize the needs of the group over individual needs, people-pleasing can become ingrained as a core value. Additionally, in our hyper-connected world, there's constant pressure to present a perfect, likeable image, which can exacerbate people-pleasing tendencies as we strive for likes and approval online.

Tammy, a 48-year-old accountant, always says yes to overtime, even when she's exhausted. She never expresses her opinions in meetings for fear of disagreement. Tammy grew up with a volatile father who would explode at the slightest provocation. As a child, she learned that keeping others happy was the safest way to avoid conflict.

In school, being helpful earned her praise and friendship, reinforcing her people-pleasing behaviour. Her mother always put everyone else's needs before her own, and danced to her husband’s tune to try to keep him happy. Which rarely worked. So Tammy also modelled this behaviour as normal.

Now, as an adult, Tammy really struggles with setting boundaries at work and in her personal relationships. She's constantly stressed and feels resentful but doesn't know how to break the pattern. She worries that if she starts saying no or expressing her true opinions, people won't like her anymore. Her story illustrates how childhood experiences, learned behaviours, and fear of conflict can combine to create deeply ingrained people-pleasing tendencies.

Understanding the roots of your people-pleasing doesn't mean you're stuck with it. Awareness is the first step towards change. Once you recognize why you're behaving this way, you can start to challenge those old patterns and develop healthier ways of relating to others and yourself. Reflect on your childhood. Can you identify any experiences or relationships that might have contributed to your people-pleasing tendencies? Writing about these can help you gain clarity and start to separate past influences from your present choices.

Remember, your past may explain your people-pleasing tendencies, but it doesn't justify continuing behaviours that harm your well-being. You have the power to change these patterns, even if they're deeply ingrained. In our next post, we'll start tackling the nitty-gritty of how to break free from the people-pleasing trap, armed with this new understanding of where these behaviours come from.

Breaking free from people-pleasing tendencies is a journey that begins with recognizing the habit and understanding its roots. Once you've identified these patterns, it's time to take action. Here's a comprehensive guide to help you break free from the people-pleasing trap and build healthier relationships.

Learn to Pause

The first step is harnessing the power of the pause. When someone makes a request, resist the urge to immediately say yes. Instead, respond with, "Let me think about that and get back to you." This pause allows you to genuinely consider if you want to fulfill the request. Implementing this involves simple actions like taking a deep breath before responding and practicing phrases like, "I'll check my schedule and let you know."

Recognize that the need to respond immediately often stems from anxiety rather than genuine desire. Practicing the pause in low-stakes situations will gradually build your comfort with it.

Practice Saying No

Start small by declining minor requests or invitations, such as to a party you don't want to attend. Remember, "No" is a complete sentence, and you don't need to justify your decisions. Techniques for saying no include using "I" statements like "I can't take that on right now," offering alternatives when appropriate, and being firm and clear.

It's natural to feel uncomfortable at first, but remind yourself of the costs of always saying yes. Celebrate small victories each time you successfully say no.

Set Boundaries

Decide what's acceptable and communicate these boundaries clearly to others. For example, you might choose not to answer work emails after 7 PM. Use a calm, confident tone when expressing your boundaries and be prepared to repeat them if necessary.

Consistently stick to the boundaries you've set, and have a plan for responding if someone crosses them. Remember, others might test your boundaries initially, but persistence is key.

Prioritize Self-Care

Make time for activities that nurture you. This could be as simple as a relaxing bath or a walk in the park. Remember, you can't pour from an empty cup. Identify activities that genuinely recharge you and schedule them like any other important appointment. Start small, even dedicating ten minutes a day can make a difference.

Overcome any guilt about prioritizing self-care by acknowledging its necessity. Notice how taking care of yourself enhances your ability to help others.

Challenge Your Thoughts

When the urge to people-please arises, question your assumptions. Ask yourself, "What's the worst that could happen if I say no?" Often, our fears are exaggerated. Techniques for challenging these thoughts include using the "What would I tell a friend?" approach, looking for evidence contradicting fearful thoughts, and practicing reframing negative thoughts.

Keeping a thought journal to track and challenge people-pleasing thoughts can be beneficial. Practice positive self-talk and consider seeking professional help if needed.

Taking these small steps, and really thinking about why you struggle with saying no, and other aspects of people-pleasing, will get you started on the road to making bigger changes. But, if you've suffered from a toxic childhood and toxic relationships, then you might need more strutured help, and my 12-Week Healing Trauma and Codependency Course is designed for exatly that. Click HERE to learn more.